Action from Reaction: Growth and Power

When we experience unexpected stress, we go into reaction mode — maybe we feel angry, maybe we feel helpless, confused, shocked, it’s generally uncomfortable. If you’re like me, you want to get out of that discomfort as fast as you can — I’m not yet comfortable with discomfort. Generally, we naturally want to regain our “normal” after a stressor.

The thing is, if we try to move too quickly from stress-reaction to action, we skip paying attention. We end up missing a major opportunity for growth and power.

Unexpected stress shakes us up. It disrupts our norm, and forces us to be more alert and to lift our heads up from the everyday fog of routine and habit and the familiar. It’s in this “what just happened?” space that we are directly faced with two massive opportunities: awareness of Self, and choice of action.

Truthfully we have these opportunities every moment of every day. But, it is when we are forced into a space of discomfort that we can see ourselves and our path with clearer eyes.

Step 1.

The next time you’re faced with a stressor that shakes out of the norm, don’t rush to action. Sit in the reaction, sit in the discomfort. Take advantage of that opportunity for Self awareness.

What does that mean?

That means consciously choosing to pause, to observe and articulate what your reaction is (mentally and emotionally, physically too), and observe and articulate why you’re reacting (thinking and feeling) the way that you are to that particular stressor. This is an opportunity to get to know yourSelf at a deeper level, and to see pattern in how we’ve experienced uncomfortable stress in the past. Chances are, it’s the same.

Whether someone just broke up with you, you got into a fender bender, you didn’t get the job promotion, the sale fell through, you had an argument with your spouse, be aware of what you’re thinking and feeling immediately after. Sit in it. Know that experience and how you react to it.

Step 2.

Choose how you move into action. Recognize how you typically would have acted to get back to normal, to resolve the stressor, and what that leads to as a result. Did you typically smooth things over with the other person, did you lash out and burn bridges in relationships, did you overanalyze and beat yourself up about it for hours on end? It’s like looking at your life from a detached place, almost like an anthropological study.

Usually, after experiencing interpersonal stress, the subject copes by attempting to mend the relationship, pretending nothing has upset her, going to great lengths for the other party’s approval any chance she gets. This creates a layer of false closeness between the two parties, as well as an element of suppressed resentment directed from the subject toward the other party.

Typically, after a stressful encounter, the subject will act verbally abusively to other beings who happen to encounter the subject throughout the rest of the day, without regard for consequence. This has led to various circumstances, including additional stressful encounters, physical altercations, and damaged relationships.

It might feel like watching a Discovery Channel episode about yourself.

But that conscious observation is where the power lies. When we move from reaction to action without this pause to understand and recognize, we end up running on an autopilot setting that’s been forming our entire lives. “When stress happens, consequently, I will behave this way.” We don’t give ourselves the power to choose whether we WANT to run that autopilot option again, when in fact we have it all the time.

When we recognize WHAT our reaction is and WHY we are reacting in that way, we can make a more informed and active decision as to HOW we want to move forward. Do we want to run the same autopilot post-reaction action to get us back to that space of normalcy? Do we want to choose a different action for perhaps a better, more evolved normal?

Usually, following a tough encounter with colleagues, the subject will brood for hours and eat unhealthily that evening, mentally abusing herself for her perceived shortcomings. This would create additional mental, emotional, and physical stress, leading to a deteriorated job performance for the rest of the week, and in some severe cases, long-term self-esteem challenges. This time, it seems the subject has decided to set up a meeting with her mentor to proactively build upon the day’s lessons, moving her mentally into a space of creativity and growth, which has led to her feeling forgiving of herself and eager to learn.

I don’t believe there’s one rule for running autopilot vs new pattern after experiencing stress. That’s subjective to the stressor and your idea of what you want out of your being and your life.

I DO believe that the two steps of Self-understanding through sitting in the discomfort, followed by that detached observation for informed action is where we progress in living purposefully and consciously, more frequently.

I always promote a more conscious normal. It’s not always easy, it’s not always comfortable, but when we prioritize Self-understanding and consciousness over comfort, I truly believe we are choosing are more powerful and richer life.